My war kitten, Male Bimbo Fish Smack, has always been a handful, but lately his aggression has reached a new level and I’m at a loss. A few days ago, he ripped all of my nicest bridal diapers to shreds.

Then, he built a catapault to launch tennis balls into the groins of unsuspecting passersby.

He escaped from the house, ran into a 99 cent store, and marked his territory all over the yellow blouse section.

Right now he is in the yard, mobilizing the neighborhood war kittens in a campaign against the local animal control officer, who has been by three times to issue citations due to Male Bimbo Fish Smack’s antics. I’m afraid the officer’s collection of Seal memorabilia is the target of the war kitten’s current plans, and that poor little Male Bimbo Fish Smack will be taken away from me if I can’t stop him.

Can anyone tell me how to train my war kitten? Does your war kitten do these things? I love Male Bimbo Fish Smack so much and can’t stand the thought of losing him.